Have you ever felt haunted by a past memory that has crippled your present? Sadly, one of my unforgettable memories happened when I was just 10 years old on Mother’s Day. My grandmother invited me, my aunt and my cousins for a weekend of adventures in the mountains. I was so excited to go, but unfortunately my mom wanted me to spend all of Mother’s Day with her. Not understanding her controlling need to receive love due to her own wounds, I begged to go. “Please Mommy,” I pleaded, “I’ll be home later that afternoon.”
When I arrived home, my distraught mother couldn’t handle the rejection and felt compelled to beat me verbally and physically. I think I would have foregone this trip had I known this would happen – for this situation as well as other undeserved beatings pierced my sensitive heart throughout my childhood.
Year after year I tried to honor my mom on her special day, but no matter how hard I worked at it I always felt secretly forced to do this. But on this one particular Mother’s Day, the Lord used an awkward and hurtful situation to draw me into this pain in preparation for the beginning of my healing journey. It began as I walked into church and was greeted by a lady usher distributing pretty flower boutonnières.
“No,” I replied.
“Well, you can’t have one until you are a mother.”
Trying to brush off the careless comment, I went to worship the Lord in the sanctuary but was unsuccessful to take my sinful thoughts captive because I didn’t have children. In fact, it seemed like I was powerless over those bad memories and the negative emotions that surfaced.
Looking at all the mothers wearing those boutonnières, I thought, “They might be honored today, but I bet they secretly beat their children. I don’t want their stinky little boutonnières anyway! I don’t ever want to be a mother!” Honestly, I was paralyzed. While I was no longer physically hurt from those beatings, I was still carrying the bruises in my mind and emotions. Moreover, I was reliving my past in my present. This type of circumstance is typical of present day triggers that occur because of unhealed wounds. But did God have other plans?
Immediately after worship, the pastor announced that the Lord wanted to bless each woman with a boutonnière. Stupefied, I couldn’t believe it. It appeared that God really did see me. He knew my past, my pain and my fears… and He cared enough to show me. I knew without a doubt that boutonnière was from God and that it was for me! That day God provided a memory makeover which was the beginning of several memory healings. Through a series of divine events which continued in my life, the Lord began transforming me. He replaced bad memories with good, even healing infertility, such that I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in His perfect timing.